Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Happy Halloween!

I must start by apologizing for the two year drought of blog posts. I've been busy. Switching three different careers, getting engaged, buying a house in New Jersey,all while managing 42 different hobbies is exhausting. Writing was diluted to the occasional social media story. But, alas! I've acquired a travel sized laptop to help me dust off the old right side of the brain. Plus I spend around three hours per day on a train traveling to my current career. I now have plenty of time to think, which can be annoying. 

I bring back Mike's Field Notes as a Halloween Episode. There may be more blogs forming soon. I don't plan on changing careers, getting engaged to anyone else, buying another house in New Jersey, or poorly managing any of my hobbies any time soon. 

First, let me tell you about Halloween last year. Jen and I were celebrating our 2nd anniversary. We had recently moved into our house in Clifton. It's a nice neighborhood. There are several different sizes and ages of humans that live near us. Most seemed pleasant so far. It being our first Halloween in our first house, we decided to go full suburbia. We had costumes, candy, jack-o-lanterns, the works! I left work early (I was a teacher then, which was truly the scariest thing I've ever done). We were ready for the ghosts, goblins, spider-men, ninja-turtles, and ice princesses. Assuming all the costumed gremlins would demand that we smell their feet if we didn't meet their demand for candy, we stocked up with enough sugary goodness to send a blue whale into a diabetic coma. We were prepared. So we waited. 

Around dark a Minion rang our bell. I had anxiously been watching out the window for over an hour. During that time, I had consumed no less than twenty-six candy bars, and several beers. My energy was high. Jen and I excitedly answered the door with the energy of two Chihuahuas on meth being reunited with their mu-mu clad granny just after she pulled a meat loaf out of the oven. "Our first trick-or-treater!" we both screamed at the one-eyed twinkie. The exuberant exclamation almost toppled him.  Needless to say, the kid was happily stunned as we filled his bag with dentist bills. As he walked away, we stood on our front steps and watched him go to several other houses before waddling out of sight. 

Then we waited for the next trick-or-treater to show. I ran to the end of the street to check other streets to see what creepy crustations were crawling our way. It was a ghost town, just not the kind of ghosts we were expecting. We waited hours and no one showed up. At one point I spotted a gaggle of ghouls walking down a cross street, so I chased them while shouting, "I have candy! Come to my house!" But for some reason, they just ran faster.

Jen and I were saddened by the lack of spirits last year. Days later, we discovered that Clifton has a downtown trick-or-treating area specifically designated for the little boogers to collect candies. I complained that there was no adventure in that. I went full that's-not-how-we-did-it-when-I-was-a-kid for a few days. It was tough, but the extra candy helped.

This year is different. I now work nights in a place that is basically Halloween year round, Brooklyn, New York City. I will be getting off work tonight around ten pm in a place where men's onzies are worn upside down to protest men's onzies. I work were people get out of bed at noon and agonize over what they are going to wear on Bedford ave to buy a $73 virgin walnut and nitrogen-free charcoal smoothie. When they finally decide on what to wear out, it usually consists of a purple boot, a red flip-flop, a scarf made from a Peruvian shaman's hair and a band-aid. 

People watching has become my favorite sport, and now its Halloween! I'm going to judge all the people. Here's my point system:

1-5 points for originality. 
For example, 1 point would be somebody in a trump mask. 5 points for somebody in a barking fire-hydrant.

1-5 points for unwelcome sexiness. 
For example 1 point for a sexy comic book super hero. Boring. 5 points for a sexy barking fire-hydrant.

1-5 points for funny or happy
This is the solely based on my snottiness. If I like the costume makes me smile, 5 points. If it is dumb and stupid and should be set on fire, 1 point.

1-5 points for awkwardness. 
1 point for safe, sexy cat girl. 5 points for going way over the top with functional roboot arms just to have a $32 beer at the bar down the street.

I will report back with the scores and descriptions.

Until then, please post a picture of your costume for me to judge. The winner will get a prize, even if I have to mail the stupid thing... 

Also, please follow my blog. If you have any trouble, just tell me on Facebook and I will try to fix it. Thanks, and have a Happy Halloween!

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