Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Adventures of General GrettaBot vs. the Squirrel Armada - Day #1175

(Author's note - The Adventures of General GrettaBot is best read aloud using a super-hero voice, like Batman whispering.)

The squirrel army came again, in the dead of night as I had feared. The Leader was sleeping soundly and I was at my usual post (which is 3/4 of the bed), pretending to doze but keenly aware of my surroundings. I have mastered the art of sleep obfuscation to such a fine degree that I can see what the tree rats are plotting in my dreams. Luckily on this night I woke myself with a fart.

You see, I am a Doberman Pinscher and I was put on this earth to fend off the dastardly squirrels from bringing chaos upon our side of the duplex. My mission is simple - defend the Leader at any and all cost.

Thankfully my subconscious mind realized the imminent danger and sounded my faithful butt-trumpet. The silence was broken with the pfffft-hiss. My ears instantly perked. I knew when I smelled the sweet-sour odor of partially digested pig ear and that sticky-hairy thing I found on the kitchen floor that it could only mean one thing, SQUIRREL!

My instincts took over. I leaped into action. Being a one-dog army, my duties are many and I often have to multitask. So I checked the perimeter and sounded the alarm simultaneously. I spun in several circles upon the Leader's bed while unleashing a mighty yowl. This tactic I use often due to it's effectiveness. Not once has a fuzzy fiend made it past the front line.

Keenly aware that there could be rodenty-assassins coming from any direction under the cover of night, I adjusted my tactics. The Leader must remain safe. During self-taught body-guard training camp, I learned to get between the Leader and any threat, tackling him to the ground if need be. Luckily he was asleep and already prone. I made certain he stayed that way. I was blessed with four strong legs, each a deadly weapon. As I spun and barked the alarm, I held the Leader down with one paw to the face to prevent him from sitting up. I was also very aware that he needed to be alert and ready to head to cover if the situation escalated. So I stepped on his crotch. I have observed that the tactic always gets a sudden and often loud reaction.

The plan was a success. The Leader instantly went into a protective fetal position, while barking orders. In the thick of battle, I only understood a few words, mostly curses which I can only assume were directed at the squirrels. I shall not repeat them, for they are sacred and from the Leader.

As quickly as the squirrels came, they retreated. Once again I lay my head upon the bed I had sworn to protect, basking in the glory of victory. Until we meet again...

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